Why are ‘sides’–people who dislike penetrative sex–still stigmatised?

By Arman Khan
20 March, 2023

Why are ‘sides’–people who dislike penetrative sex–still stigmatised?

By Arman Khan
20 March, 2023

In the queer community, their queerness is questioned and delegitimised every step of the way. In the cishet world, the judgements are more sinister

The frescoes of Pompeii. 

The erotic art of the Han dynasty. 

The largest chapter of the Kamasutra

Apart from influencing the way erotic art is processed and understood, these masterpieces have another common denominator running through them — the stunning, varied depiction of penetrative sex. In many ancient cultures, sexual acts were often depicted as a way of celebrating fertility and the continuation of the species. For example, in ancient Greek and Roman art, sexual acts are showcased in various forms, such as erotic pottery and frescoes. During the Renaissance period, artists began to depict sexuality in more explicit ways, with works such as Michelangelo's David and Botticelli's The Birth of Venus"featuring nudity and sensual poses.


Cue: ‘sides’, or people who have never been able to relate to such art. The term was introduced in 2013, courtesy of a Huffington Post article written by sex and relationship therapist, Dr Joe Kort. It essentially refers to folks who don’t enjoy penetrative sex but may or may not be asexual. Typically, they might prefer other avenues of stimulation—oral, dry humping or frottage, skin-to-skin contact, making out and so on.

Rishi, a 23-year-old make-up artist who identifies as a side and gender fluid, tells The Established that being a side indeed helped them look at sex from a more holistic perspective. Image: Pexels

“It’s assumed that penetrative sex is the default to the human condition and women must readily submit to it, no questions asked,” says Mrinalini. “It is the same attitude that also assumes all women must bear children.”Image: Pexels

Although the revelatory article by Kort largely focused on gay men who didn’t enjoy penetration, the term has since been used for pretty much anyone, of any sexual orientation and gender, whose journey towards pleasure doesn’t pass through, or culminate in, penetration. Cishet, queer, gender fluid—all are welcome under the inclusive umbrella of sides.

But what happens when sides navigate a world where being side is against the sanitised, universally accepted norms of pleasure? What happens when their very expression of love is questioned, just because it doesn’t take into account penetration? 

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