IDENTITY

Are women in India taking more risks sexually?

By Barry Rodgers
10 February, 2023

More and more women in the country are in hot pursuit of sexual liberation

Anita, who requested to be quoted anonymously, is enjoying a healthy sexual phase peppered with regular one-night stands, the occasional threesome, and a few pegging encounters. She says most of these encounters stem from impulse and naive curiosity. "I grew up in a conservative Catholic school in Kolkata, was forced to serve at the altar of organised religion, and was in an abusive marriage for three years. I was suppressed sexually and ached to explore my sexuality. I remember rummaging through my husband's porn stash during the early years of our marriage. I was enamoured by how sexually liberated the women on screen looked, especially the ones who dominated their partners," she says. A year after her divorce, the 34-year-old was out on a date with a Tinder match when he asked her bluntly if she'd like to visit his apartment for sex. She agreed. "It was wild. Not only did I give in to breath play [which involves the restriction of oxygen to increase erotic play or to intensify an orgasm or sexual experience], midway through, my date asked if I'd be okay with pegging him. I gave in. Hearing him squeal while I dictated play was exhilarating," she says.

Lisa Haydon plays the sexually-liberated Vijayalakshmi in Queen, opposite Kangana Ranaut

Samantha Jones, played by Kim Catrall in Sex and the City, was the poster child for sexual liberation in the early aughts

A new outlook

According to a recent study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science, women report a greater tendency to engage in risky sexual behaviours with more attractive partners and use their sexuality as a means of mate retention. And when seeking out short-term relationships, women have a stronger preference for indicators of good genes, such as physical attractiveness, masculinity, intelligence, and dominance. 

However, social conditioning and a deep patriarchal rot have prevented women from truly being sexually liberated in India. On the other hand, it's largely been acceptable for promiscuous men to mate with as many partners as possible because they'd have more chances of reproducing. Women, meanwhile, have always been made to believe they need only one good male to reproduce successfully—prompting them to save themselves for the strongest suitor. This explains why men like to sleep around and women stay faithful, giving birth to the ardent male and coy female tropes. But that idea has now been turned on its head. Women nowadays are looking to play the field and opt for variety. 

An open arrangement

Sarojini, a New Delhi-based interior designer who requested anonymity, says her decision to maintain an open marriage after 13 years of wedded bliss has been liberating. Not only has the sex with her husband improved, but it has also given their marriage a new lease on life. "It's not that we were unhappy, but the spark was missing. We have hectic professional lives, so sex was on the back burner for most of the last three years. However, on vacation in February of last year, we decided to engage in a threesome with another woman at the resort, which turned out great," she says. Saroijini believes the trust and communication that open relationships cultivate is underrated. "We make it a point to talk about our hookups before it happens. I like it this way. I have some fetishes that my partner isn't into, and I have the freedom to explore these with others, and it's the same with my partner. In fact, we've tried cuckolding, too, on my insistence, and have a guy who regularly engages with me sexually while my husband watches," she says. 

While she does enjoy the freedom of being with other men, Sarojini admits to feeling guilty at times for indulging her desires. "Because I've been vocal about experimenting sexually, I sometimes feel my husband is only here for the ride because he has no other choice. As a result, guilt does take over at times," she says. 

“MOST WOMEN WHO ENGAGE SEXUALLY WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS TEND TO FEEL GUILT BECAUSE SOCIETY HAS MADE THEM BELIEVE IT'S WRONG TO BE SEXUALLY OPEN-MINDED”
Asha Saxena

Fleabag presents as someone very much in control of her own narrative: a cosmopolitan, single woman, living in London, sleeping with whomever she pleases

Is there guilt involved?

Asha Saxena, a New Delhi-based therapist, says she's counselled many single women seeking advice on reducing the guilt of being sexually active with multiple partners. "Most women who engage sexually with multiple partners tend to feel guilt because society has made them believe it's wrong to be sexually open-minded. It's common to have negative emotions surrounding sex, as it's presented to us a certain way from an early age, starting from the messaging we learn around sex at school or talking to other kids, inherited shame from parents and the media," she says, adding: "We still have a long way to go in terms of how we educate girls, how we talk to them about sex, and how we talk to them about their bodies and supporting consent and bodily autonomy. Most often, these early failings lead to trauma later in life." 

For 26-year-old Meher, who requested anonymity, being sexually active means being a "good feminist" and rejecting the oppressive doctrines of previous generations. "I do it to repossess my body and narrative as a woman. And I can safely say each encounter has liberated me from societal restraints of sticking to one man all my life," says the 26-year-old IT professional from Bengaluru. Meher confesses to having been in a gangbang. It was at an underground club in the United States with her female friend. "We entered what was called the 'ladies room' that comprised a large bed. We sat down and waited till men started coming in. The guys were respectful, didn't wait for us to tell them to wear condoms and backed off when we told them to," she says.

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