Leather suspenders. Shredded flogs. Gag balls. Endless butt plugs.
The world of Mihir and Shivani, a couple based in Delhi, was an elaborate smörgåsbord of desire. They describe their kink room as a “playground where many things” converged. Even to this day, their relationship is premised on trust and communication.
“Any healthy couple will tell you that these two elements form the bedrock of a successful relationship,” says Mihir. “We don’t try to overanalyse or trace the source of our kinks because it’s not harming or affecting us in any unhealthy way.”
For Shivani, it was only when she got into a polyamorous relationship with Mihir that she truly realised that safe avenues could exist for her kinks, the kinks that she’d assumed till then to be just floating fantasies that can never be true.
“It helped that we’re both financially empowered in our own way,” she says. “And over communication helped — even the smallest detail was discussed. So, there was no room for any awkwardness.”
Unlike Shivani and Mihir, for many, having a kink becomes a burden in itself. Instead of becoming a special experience by which they can express their love or desire, it ends up crushing them with guilt and questioning why they even have those kinks in the first place.
“As long as our kinks are being performed in a safe and consensual way with our partners, there shouldn’t be any reason for you to investigate why they exist,” says Dr Ruksheda Syeda, a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. “The problem arises when your kinks are limiting you, in the sense that you’re not able to achieve satisfaction any other way.”
“THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL OR ABNORMAL IN WANTING ANY KIND OF SEX.”Pallavi Barnwal
I put to her the example of Mihir who can only orgasm after he is vigorously kicked by his wife. He seems to be okay with it, having accepted that it’s the way to go as far as orgasming is concerned. But he is definitely curious to unearth why this is so.
“Even though it might not be a cause of concern for him now, he clearly cannot orgasm any other way and that’s limiting,” she explains. “So, the fact that he is even curious shows that it’s playing on his mind. In that case, he must seek answers and try to expand his sexual vocabulary instead of limiting himself to only one way of achieving pleasure.”
She adds that kink becomes distressing when there is an element of shame involved in it, precipitated usually by someone kink-shaming you.
“Particularly in a society like ours, any non-traditional way of approaching sex is highly stigmatised,” says Dr Syeda. “So, in such scenarios, people want to investigate the source of their kinks to ‘fix it’ which is not really healthy either, as long as you’re not harming anyone and it’s all consensual.”
According to intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal, any kink can be explained through four significant needs that we all have: a need for connection, certainty, variety, and significance.
“At any given time, all of us have at least one unmet need from these four,” she says. “Kink often becomes a way of meeting that need. So, if your unmet need is that of significance, you may derive significance by asserting dominance over your partner. That’s one way of understanding the source of most of our kinks exists.”
She notes that it’s crucial to understand the various levels that any kink might have, this helps in accepting one’s own kink in a way that is personal and comfortable for all the partners involved.
“You might like the idea of getting flogged, consensually of course, but the idea scares you to the point where you don’t even want to try it,” she says. “How about going with different kinds of flogs? There are soft flogs, and wooden flogs. It’s all about communicating your desires with your partner as opposed to being overly academic about it and complicating matters.”
Conversely, as kink-shaming very much remains the lodestar of contemporary culture globally, a TikTok subculture has recently risen against it – #freaktok has over two billion users signed up where users brag about rejecting ‘normal sex’ and even shame people who have vanilla sex.
“THE PROBLEM ARISES WHEN YOUR KINKS ARE LIMITING YOU, IN THE SENSE THAT YOU’RE NOT ABLE TO ACHIEVE SATISFACTION ANY OTHER WAY.”Dr Ruksheda Syeda
And yet, concerns about ‘normalising’ kink remain. Fiona MacKenzie, founder of the campaign group We Can’t Consent To This, told iD that the social pressure around kink means that “women in their teens and twenties now are being told that not enjoying being slapped or choked is abnormal.”
But Barnwal maintains that kink is a “safe container” for your desires. “It’s not like someone will randomly enter your room and spank you. There is a lot that goes before executing a kink – setting up the scene, and drawing safe and healthy boundaries. This is different from self-harm because in self-harm you are actively breaking your own word to your body. There is nothing normal or abnormal in wanting any kind of sex.”