On the days that seem endless or during the drab commute to work, a visual crosses Megha’s mind often: lying down with her partner for hours on end, the teal-tinted lights in her room dimming, Cigarettes After Sex or Lykke Li droning in the background on loop, interspersed with moody jazz and a mimosa.
“Mindfulness in sex can be something as simple as setting up a mood and relishing it,” says the 28-year-old designer who prefers to remain anonymous. “It has become a term we’ve all heard but don’t know much about.”
For Megha, who always believed that she liked the more “passionate and hardcore” end of things, taking the slow and mindful route came as an accident. “This one day I was exhausted and my partner asked if she could cuddle me,” she recounts. “She then asked me to mentally zone out from work and be attuned in the moment—and that was a switch.”
But fully embracing the mindful route to sex was, and still is, a process. There are moments when the urgency creeps in; she wants to get it done with and just “discard that sexual ball of energy,” but it’s her partner who helps her take it easy, reining it in for her.
According to relationship counsellor Ruchi Ruuh, mindfulness is as real as meditation. “The whole idea is to experience the here and now. Feeling every touch, every breath and being conscious of every word that’s spoken, every sensual experience. It’s about being fully present.”
Various peer-reviewed studies also corroborate the same. According to a March 2019 study funded by the National Institute of Health (NIH), sexually mindful individuals “tended to have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives”.
We’ve put together a practical guide to help you navigate and practise mindfulness in sex:
Ruuh suggests starting with some “grounding exercises”.
“These are just questions you need to ask yourself: What’s the temperature of the room? What is your partner’s touch doing to you right now? Who is this person in front of you? Instead of other distractions, become aware of your surroundings.”
Another NIH-funded study, published in 2021, actually found that people who do not practice mindfulness experience a higher difficulty in identifying, expressing and paying attention to bodily sensations and emotions.
Ruuh explains that partners “not in sync” is usually the reason why mindfulness seems like an insurmountable challenge. One of the many ways to achieve this, she says, is to practise the mirroring technique. “The idea is to match each other’s steps and expressions,” she says. “And it must start even before you get intimate with each other.”
“SEDUCE YOUR PARTNER SLOWLY, TAKE YOUR TIME WITH IT. AND DO NOT HAVE A LOOMING DEADLINE IMMEDIATELY AFTER SEX.”Pallavi Barnwal
She clarified that mirroring your partner is not the same as literally imitating them. “You empathetically become like them—if they’re smiling, you smile too. You’ll see this happening naturally with couples who are in sync with each other. It’s a very natural response of the body but to achieve it non-organically is to start mirroring. After all, mindfulness is all about putting in these conscious efforts.”
Intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal says that mindfulness in sex must also be understood as bringing the sacred and spiritual into intimacy. Breath is the carrier of life, she says, and must be understood as such before sex too.
“There are various ways to achieve mindful breath that goes a long way in bringing in a sense of spirituality to lovemaking,” she says. “One of the ways to do it is by putting your right hand on the partner’s heart and the same goes for them, creating a circle of energy. This is a more intimate form of heart meditation and helps focus attention. Mindfulness in sex is not solely about physical gratification but enabling it through these simple techniques.”
In Megha’s case, the mood she created with her partner actually soothed her when she was not with her. “It all comes down to paying attention to your partner and the surroundings you are in,” she says. “When you put in the efforts to select candles, even light incense sticks, curating a lo-fi playlist together, it all comes together in the end when you’re actually having sex.”
Ruuh said that a crucial way of achieving mindfulness is to tell your partner whatever you’re feeling during that moment. “If I’m complimenting you, it will create that connection,” she says. “You’re completely mindful because you’re talking to each other about each other. So say if you’re kissing your partner and they smell beautiful, you vocalise that. Or if you love their curves, don’t keep it to yourself; tell them in so many words. Sex should be a sensory experience that must actually include all the senses, including words. Words stay with us, they pull us back in the zone. You’re processing those words so your mind is already engaged.”
Barnwal suggests having active discussions with your partner about why your boundaries exist in the first place and how you can navigate them.
"SEX SHOULD BE A SENSORY EXPERIENCE THAT MUST ACTUALLY INCLUDE ALL THE SENSES, INCLUDING WORDS."Ruchi Ruuh
“Sex is eventually about transcendence,” she says. “You let go of any inhibitions and attain a state of unity, else your body will automatically tense up.”
She adds that letting go of one’s inhibitions must be understood by going about lovemaking in a nuanced, easy way. “Everything need not be on high volume. Seduce your partner slowly, take your time with it. And do not have a looming deadline immediately after sex. Sometimes, the mere gaze of the eye can create wonders.”