From the iconic love triangle in Silsila (1981) with Amitabh Bachchan, Rekha, and Jaya Bachchan to the portrayal of tangled, messy relationships in the Deepika Padukone-, Ananya Panday-, and Siddhant Chaturvedi-starrer Gehraiyaan (2022), infidelity has been a recurring theme in Indian pop culture. If we accept cinema as a reflection of society, it is easy to see infidelity as prevalent as monogamy. Yet, our cultural conditioning upholds monogamy as the norm, while infidelity is earmarked for the morally corrupt. What’s worse? The typically skewed projection of infidelity is portrayed—in cinema, or otherwise— like a sexist trope where an attractive woman lures a married/ committed man into betrayal, eventually attaining the title of a “homebreaker”.
However, with social evolution, infidelity is no longer viewed as a gender-specific issue. Concepts like polyandry, polygyny, open relationships, and casual sex have entered—or perhaps re-entered—the chat.
What continues to be different is how men and women define, process, and deal with infidelity. Can this be attributed to gender roles, varying emotional quotients (EQ) or patriarchal norms? We turn to three psychologists to decode the diverging reactions.
According to a survey conducted by Gleeden, an “extramarital dating website for married people”, that launched in India in 2017 and has amassed over two million users in the country already, 55 per cent of married Indians did confess cheating on their partners. Does this mean the “one woman-man (or one man-woman)” theory is slowly fading away? Different people have different notions of infidelity—for some, establishing a physical relationship outside of marriage/the primary relationship can be a deal-breaker, while others could also count flirting as a breach of boundaries.
“Infidelity is when a partner violates the agreed-upon boundaries of a relationship by becoming emotionally or physically involved with someone else. It’s not just about the act but the breach of trust and the emotional damage that follows,” says Banita Singh, a psychologist at Therapy with Shaurya. “From a psychological perspective, infidelity represents a serious breach of trust, impacting emotional security. It can lead to diminished self-esteem and cognitive dissonance, where one’s actions conflict with their personal values,” explains Janvi Rathore, a therapist at The Mood Space. “Furthermore, infidelity often signifies underlying issues within the relationship and self, such as inadequate communication or unmet emotional needs. Cultural norms and societal expectations also play a role in shaping the perception and handling of infidelity, underscoring its complex and multifaceted nature,” adds Rathore.
As a concept, infidelity is more layered today than it ever was. With different ways of committing infidelity, the rules have metamorphosed at an individual level. What might have been considered unacceptable or a clear breach of trust in the past might now be viewed differently by different people, depending on their personal beliefs, experiences or relationship dynamics.
“FOR MANY MEN, SEX IS SEX, AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE RELATIONSHIPS, AND THE TWO DO NOT NECESSARILY OVERLAP. WHEN WOMEN CHEAT, THERE IS USUALLY AN ELEMENT OF ROMANCE, INTIMACY, CONNECTION, OR LOVE”Dr Rob Weiss
“From physical and emotional to even cyber, financial and compulsive cheating, there’s a lot that comes under the infidelity umbrella,” explains psychologist and psychotherapist Shaurya Gahlawat on the many ways in which infidelity transpires in modern relationships. “Physical and emotional infidelity are rather well-known. Cyber infidelity includes engaging in intimate conversations, sharing explicit content, or even having virtual relationships without physical interaction. Financial infidelity occurs when a partner hides their financial activities, such as discreet spending, debts, or financial investments, from the other partner. Lastly, compulsive infidelity is often linked to underlying psychological issues such as sex addiction, impulsive behaviours, or unresolved trauma,” says Gahlawat.
Men and women share divergent opinions and approaches towards many aspects of their respective worldviews. Infidelity is no different. Dr Rob Weiss, a global expert in sex addiction and founding director of Seeking Integrity, explains in Psychology Today, “For many men, sex is sex, and relationships are relationships, and the two do not necessarily overlap. When women cheat, there is usually an element of romance, intimacy, connection, or love. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to cheat to satisfy sexual urges, with fewer thoughts of intimacy.” It highlights a crucial aspect that the way men and women react to infidelity is often shaped by societal expectations and traditional gender roles.
According to psychologist Hansika Kapoor of Mumbai-based Monk Prayogshala, infidelity in heterosexual and heteronormative relationships should be looked at from an evolutionary lens rather than just a psychological one. “Men are more likely to perceive sexual cheating as infidelity because they may be responsible for raising offspring who are not genetically related to them.” Additionally, men are made to believe that their partner “belongs” to them—like property—so exercising a certain agency and ownership over them is paramount. Physical infidelity could paralyse this supposition, as for most men, sexual exclusivity tops everything else as a marker of loyalty.
Women are subconsciously conditioned to prioritise emotional connection and intimacy over anything else—physical associations included. “Women are likely to perceive emotional infidelity as more serious because men may leave and take resources away from women and their children. In modern society, gender norms are much more fluid, but the seriousness with which we may react to different types of infidelity is deeply rooted in our wiring,” explains Kapoor. “This logic is also backed by the Parental Investment Theory, which suggests that because women invest more in offspring (through pregnancy and child-rearing), they are more sensitive to emotional infidelity. With men, it is usually the opposite,” says Rathore.
“FROM A PSYCHOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE, INFIDELITY REPRESENTS A SERIOUS BREACH OF TRUST, IMPACTING EMOTIONAL SECURITY. IT CAN LEAD TO DIMINISHED SELF-ESTEEM AND COGNITIVE DISSONANCE, WHERE ONE’S ACTIONS CONFLICT WITH THEIR PERSONAL VALUES”Janvi Rathore
Relationship counsellor and psychotherapist Ruchi Ruuh adds, “When you take into account the aspects of both psychology and attachment theories, you’ll discover that anxiously attached individuals are the ones who are more affected by emotional infidelity. People with such patterns often wound deeper than those who try to process infidelity rationally by compartmentalising love and physical needs.”
“Women seek emotional and material security, which is less likely to be provided by casual encounters they may have. On the contrary, societal expectations can be more lenient towards men regarding casual sex,” points out Rathore. “Psychologically, women in committed relationships may find casual sex less fulfilling due to their focus on emotional intimacy. For them, casual encounters often lack the emotional depth they seek, making committed sexual experiences more desirable.” While men are more likely to jump into casual sex, if given the opportunity to, as opposed to women, today, the ratio of infidelity between men and women isn’t as lopsided as you’d imagine it to be. For Indians, some who admit to consider fantasising about someone else as infidelity too, 59 per cent of men and 53 per cent of women in the survey confessed cheating on their partners. However, who accounted what as infidelity is something we’ll never know.
Infidelity in relationships can take multiple forms, but essentially it comprises a deviation from the said or unsaid “rules” within an equation, suggests Kapoor. “Infidelity becomes a major concern when partners are not on the same page about what is and isn’t allowed within relationships that can hurt the other person. In my practice, I have seen several clients—both men and women—who have been unable to have conversations with their partners regarding their needs around intimacy. It isn’t always their fault; we may not have learned how to have these conversations without facing retaliation, conflict, or outright dismissal. Infidelity (sexual or otherwise) can arise from a lack of safe conversations with your partner.”
Gahlawat shares that the context in which the infidelity occurred is integral to determining the response. “Was it a one-time mistake or a pattern? Is the unfaithful partner genuinely remorseful, or is there a lack of accountability?”
According to Ruuh, realising that your partner is guilty of infidelity can be tumultuous. “Stop stalking them any further. If you have some information, try talking to them about it. If you still can’t come to a resolution, consult a couple’s therapist.” Rathore highlights that when infidelity occurs, it’s vital to protect your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. “Start by acknowledging and expressing your emotions; validating these feelings helps reduce distress. Seek professional counselling to manage the emotional fallout and guide decision-making, considering techniques like CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and EFT (emotional freedom techniques). Set clear boundaries with your partner to rebuild trust, and engage in self-care to mitigate stress and support overall health. Reflect on whether the relationship can be repaired or if it’s healthier to move on, and communicate your needs effectively.”