Are women more likely to be guilt-tripped about being polyamorous?

Societal expectations and male egos often come in the way of women embracing this alternative relationship structure

A quick search on Google in preparation for this feature on polyamory sprung a few surprises. Most of the “psychology” articles geared towards this relationship structure made it seem like a majority of women want to be in polyamorous relationships. However, it is crucial to recognise that promoting the idea that such a positioning inherently empowers women may not necessarily align with reality. In fact, it might strip women of their autonomy to establish their preferred relationship model.

Throughout history, the cultural mindset predominantly upheld monogamy as the sole socially acceptable choice, particularly for women. It was commonly held that monogamy was deemed “unnatural”, thus making it socially acceptable for men to engage in extramarital affairs. Conversely, women were expected to remain faithful to a single partner for the duration of their lives. It is noteworthy that this societal norm had less to do with ensuring women’s satisfaction and more to do with exerting control over them. This mindset emerged at a time when human society began to prioritise the determination of paternity for an inheritance, and the only method to guarantee a child’s paternity was by controlling women’s sexual behaviour.

Accommodative of a spectrum of equations

Polyamory, as a relationship structure, can, in a sense, provide women with greater agency over their choices. It empowers them to explore their sexuality, establish boundaries when a relationship dynamic isn’t suitable, and engage in open and honest conversations about fundamental human emotions. It’s essential to recognise that polyamory involves acknowledging the wide diversity of human relationships, which may not always conform to conventional patterns. For instance, one might have a friend with whom they enjoy cuddling but have no desire for a sexual relationship or a consistent sexual partner with whom they do not wish to share a living arrangement. Alternatively, individuals might maintain a committed quasi-monogamous relationship with one person while permitting each other to engage in sexual relationships with others when one of them is away. In essence, polyamory accommodates a spectrum of relationship structures that may not adhere to the strict confines of traditional monogamy.

But in navigating a structure that’s not considered the norm, do women bear the burden of shame? Do they face intrusive questions about their sex lives and if they’re okay “sharing” their partner(s) with others? 

A skewed stigma

According to United Kingdom-based Leanne Yau, who uses social media (@polyphiliablog on Instagram) to build more awareness about polyamory, there is a notable difference in how society perceives polyamorous women compared to polyamorous men. “In many cases, polyamorous women may face judgment as being overly promiscuous, which can hinder their pursuit of meaningful relationships. They are sometimes objectified, mirroring the broader challenges that women often encounter in various aspects of life,” she says. 

Societal perceptions rooted in gender essentialism often lead to unfair assumptions. These assumptions, Yau says, include the misguided belief that men are inherently more sexually aggressive and desire sex more than women, which is far from accurate. As a result, men’s behaviour may sometimes be dismissed as regrettable but expected, while women, in contrast, face a disproportionate amount of slut-shaming and judgment when they identify as polyamorous. This heightened scrutiny is often linked to the existing stigma surrounding polyamory, which some individuals view as merely a means for promiscuity.

“Women often encounter unique challenges related to their sexuality. Society often expects women to adopt a passive role in the bedroom. When a woman expresses her desire for multiple partners—particularly multiple male partners—she may elicit negative reactions from some men who feel emasculated, threatened, or insecure. This is an additional layer of complexity that women may have to navigate, particularly in relationships with men,” says Yau.

New Delhi-based Mariam’s (who wished to be quoted by her first name) interest in polyamory developed during her adolescent years, long before it became a commonly discussed concept, especially within the marketing manager’s social circles, and during a time when access to the Internet was not as widespread. “I primarily understood it as a deliberate, enduring, and loving relationship structure that didn’t necessarily entail emotional strings or casual involvement. When I eventually sought to explore polyamory, shortly after completing high school, my experiences took an unexpectedly traumatic turn,” she says. 

Mariam found herself entangled with someone who appeared disinterested in anything long-term and left her feeling used for sexual gratification, disregarding her boundaries of sexual consent. “In hindsight, I believe I was taken advantage of, given my pursuit of a less traditional form of commitment that did not involve sexual exclusivity. To be fair, I had entered into these situations without much knowledge of the practices and principles now associated with polyamorous relationships, which are designed to minimise distress and encourage longer-term connections,” she says. 

While Mariam is open to embracing these practices today, she remains deeply apprehensive about the possibility of experiencing similar emotional harm. “Regrettably, the traumatic experience continues to haunt me, manifesting as frequent nightmares and panic attacks, even though it transpired many years ago,” she says. 

Navigating a polyamorous structure

A research paper on mental well-being in polyamorous and monogamous relationships claims adapting in response to evolving circumstances is a key attribute of resilience, and polyamorous families exemplify this by regularly accommodating new familial and emotional configurations resulting from their involvement with multiple partners. To navigate their unconventional lifestyles, polyamorous families embrace innovation, reconfigure their relationships and interactions, and remain open to alternative approaches.

The research further indicates that couples engaged in polyamorous relationships often experience strong relationships and greater life satisfaction, accompanied by a reduced presence of jealousy. However, it’s essential to consider that the findings may be context-dependent, varying based on the location where the research was conducted. In addition to the benefits, polyamorous relationships may come with certain drawbacks, including emotional disturbances and potential impacts on mental well-being.

The other side

For Mumbai-based Shweta Sangtani, who is in a polyamorous structure with her partner Aashish Mehrotra, and Tanisha RK, getting together as a ‘throuple’ was not a decision they made overnight. For starters, Sangtani and Mehrotra had already been married well before they met Tanisha—and neither of them had been in a non-monogamous relationship before.

A few days ago, Sangtani reconnected with a male friend she knew back when she was in her early twenties. During their conversation, he shared with her his positive experiences with polyamory and how all the women he has been involved with have embraced and enjoyed their relationships with him. “It’s clear that he is an excellent communicator, which has contributed to these positive interactions. But as he recounted his experiences, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy because my journey with polyamory has been quite the opposite,” she says. 

In her limited experience in understanding how a poly dynamic works for a man, Sangtani says society might label men as “macho” or a “wimp” for their experiences with polyamorous relationships with women. But when women share their experiences, including her own, it’s a different story altogether.

“One recurring issue is the assumption that, in a polyamorous context, everything is fair game and that agreeing to be poly automatically implies consent to any advances or breaches of boundaries. This is deeply offensive because, like anyone else, we do have boundaries; they just manifest differently compared to those in monogamous relationships,” says Sangtani, adding the problem is that not only do people believe it’s acceptable to disregard these boundaries, but they also deny their existence. Additionally, there’s a plethora of absurd assumptions made about women in polyamorous relationships, along with name-calling and unwarranted inquiries into one’s intimate life. “It’s a frustrating and challenging aspect of engaging in polyamory.”

A new outlook

In sharing her story with The Established, Leena Singh, 44, who hails from Mumbai, makes it abundantly clear that her polyamorous journey should not be taken as a general look into how people navigate this relationship structure.

“I have embraced a polyamorous lifestyle for as long as I can remember, even before I knew there was a term for it. I recall having what might be considered my only monogamous relationship at the age of 13, and it never occurred again. During my adolescent and young adult years, I would often express that I couldn’t commit to one person, and in my thirties, I’d mention that I had an abundance of love to share,” she says. 

The idea of exclusive monogamy was unappealing and hard for Singh to fathom. Over the years, she has engaged in both short-term and long-term relationships with individuals of various genders from diverse backgrounds, spanning from a few months to as long as seven to eight years. She has been part of throuples, polycules involving up to four people, and other forms of open relationships. Some of these experiences were positive, while others were less so.

“Two years ago, I decided to seek regular psychiatric counselling. During this process, I came to a number of realisations, including that I had been living a polyamorous lifestyle for all the wrong reasons,” she says. 

For Singh, it wasn’t solely about avoiding commitment; it was linked to her upbringing. “My parents’ marriage was tumultuous, marked by infidelity from my father. I yearned to create an environment where infidelity was not an issue, so I pursued relationships that were open and honest. In my teens, I struggled with low self-esteem, but it dissipated when I received attention from boys. As more boys expressed romantic interest in me, the more my self-confidence grew,” she says.

Dating multiple people provided Singh with a surplus of validation all at once. “I found it difficult to be alone with my thoughts for more than a few minutes; having somebody there was a source of relief. It was not so much that I had an abundance of love to share, but rather that I needed excessive validation and attention that a single person could not provide without feeling overwhelmed,” she says. 

The elation Singh experienced from being someone’s primary partner, being chosen to be loved more than others, brought her a sense of euphoria. However, this was often followed by a profound sense of devastation when that person’s affections shifted toward someone else. 

“In hindsight, I would trade all of these experiences for the love and devotion of a single person who would prioritise, cherish, and respect me and my aspirations. It took me decades of using polyamory as a coping mechanism for much deeper emotional wounds to realise that those wounds even existed. I’m unsure of where this realisation leaves me, but I am certain that I am not content with how I’ve been living my life,” she says.

Queer perspective

Many individuals who embrace a polyamorous structure are also part of the LGBTQIA+ community, and it’s important to recognise that the way queer women express their identities can vary significantly. “In some cases, a queer woman’s queerness may be perceived in a way that caters to the male gaze. For instance, if a bisexual woman has a girlfriend or female partner, there can be a sense of entitlement from some men. There is often an assumption that if a man is involved with a bisexual woman, he should also have access to her girlfriend, which is clearly not the case. This assumption is rooted in stereotypes and misconceptions about group sex and women’s sexuality, as well as who benefits from it,” says Yau.

As a result, many polyamorous women, particularly polyamorous bisexual women, says Yau, are objectified and fetishised in ways that can be mentally distressing. They must navigate the challenges of dealing with the entitlement and ego of some men who hold these misconceptions, which can be a source of frustration and discomfort. “It’s crucial to challenge these stereotypes and promote a more respectful and understanding approach to relationships and identities within the polyamorous and LGBTQIA+ communities,” she says.

Asserting one’s agency

Sangtani believes that a poly structure gives women more agency, something not granted by society. “Throughout history, whenever we have attempted to assert control over our sexuality, bodies, or lives in general, we have often faced repercussions. Our families may disapprove when we seek agency in decisions like marriage or parenthood. In the workplace, asking for what we rightfully deserve may be viewed as aggressive. Even within relationships, it can be challenging to express our boundaries or discomfort without facing criticism,” she says, adding that, in essence, agency is not openly given to women; it often requires us to take a proactive stance. This proactive stance may be misperceived as aggression, but it’s a necessary truth. 

In Yau’s experience, practising polyamory has provided her with a heightened sense of security and autonomy within her relationships. “It has also raised my standards for the people I choose to have in my life. One significant benefit has been the ability to quickly identify individuals, particularly men, whose egos feel threatened or challenged by my sexuality, allowing me to steer clear of such individuals,” she says. 

In her view, polyamory isn’t a choice but an orientation that aligns with her authentic desires. “This authenticity is where I find the greatest advantage, and it’s not necessarily tied to gender. It’s about embracing a relationship structure that genuinely resonates with my feelings and identity,” says Yau. 

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